The Evolution of a Mom

My J is three years old. Within those three years I have changed more than I ever dreamed I would. J's pregnancy was a "standard" modern medicine type pregnancy. Z and I went to the hospital that was closest to our house, took the childbirth classes that the hospital offered, had all the ultrasounds, listened to  the Dr.'s recommendations and even contemplated an induction if he didn't arrive around his due date (fortunately that never needed to happen). His birth went the same way. Went to the hospital at 3am, got the IV, all the exams, offered the epidural at least a dozen times, had some nu-bane, J had to have an internal fetal monitor, the list goes on. The Dr. was awful and J's entrance in to the world was not the way a baby should be born. It was cold, sterile, not peaceful (except for the moment when my little J was placed in my arms and the sounds of his little baby cry melted away any pain I was feeling) and exactly how I thought childbirth to be. Except that's not the way childbirth is supposed to be.

The way we continued on with baby J was still on the mainstream pathway of parenting with an exception to a few things. I breastfed him on demand and he breastfed past the one year mark (19 months). He slept in our bed (and continues to) and he wasn't on much of a schedule until he put himself on one. He was cloth diapered and skipped baby food and went straight to finger foods. Other than that, I followed what I thought was the "right" way to parent. A lot of times I didn't trust my gut and I wasn't his advocate when I should have been. We learned early on that J was quite strong willed and instead of accepting him for who he was I kept asking myself what we were doing wrong or what was wrong with him. I thought there was one way to do things and for some reason we were failing.

And then I witnessed my niece being born. I was slowly starting to change as a mom but this birth made me realize that there is no "right" way. My niece was born at a birth center. When my sister told me this for the first time I had all the questions most people would have. Instead of embracing it I questioned it. Her delivery quickly put my questions at ease. My sister was surrounded by an amazing group of women whose sole intentions were bringing this baby girl in to her mama's arms with peace, integrity, love and gentle guidance. It was an amazing thing to witness.

A year later and there I was, delivering my baby girl in a tub of warm water surrounded by another group of amazingly strong women and my adoring husband. My Eme Lu's birth was the complete opposite of J's and it was wonderfully peaceful. {You can click here to read her birth story} My change was still taking place and deciding to go to the birth center really started to morph my change more and more.

My real transformation happened after Eme was born. I felt stronger as a mama. Perhaps it was the fact that I hadn't stood up for J as much as I wished I had that made me feel as though this time I was going to. I started going to the Mom's Group that the birth center offered. This was the best thing that I could have done. Now I was surrounded by like minded mama's. Mom's from all different walks of this earth who congregated there to ooo and aww over our precious little beings. We talked about the ups and downs of parenting, we offered support to one another, offered each other breast milk if one was struggling to produce enough for their love, we offered hugs, embraced each other and fully formed a support for each other. There were no judgments, no stipulations, no right or wrong. It was there that I started to find myself. These moms, I have no words. They are the people I go to (outside of my sister and my mom who are my rocks) when I am having self doubt. They are the ones I call when I need some natural remedies to cure a sick baby. They are the ones who help pick me up when I am feeling defeated as a mom. The midwives who were there for Eme Lu's birth are still there to offer me support when I need it. They didn't leave my life because I had a baby and their job was done. They now entered my life as a friend. These women, they are my tribe.

I am eternally grateful for J's birth. Not only because I received the precious gift of my amazing boy but because without it I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't feel as strong as I do. I am certain that I would have continued down the mainstream pathway of parenting, even though it didn't feel right, because I didn't have the support I needed.

To my birth center ladies, my sister, and mom. I love you all and you inspire me so much on a daily basis. Thank you for continuing to support me, helping me to dig deep to find the person who was hiding, for reminding me that there is no one way, and for helping me evolve in to the mom I am. My change is still happening, but I now have the confidence that my tribe is supporting me. To my friends who have seen me evolve over the years and who have been there for me even before having children, thank you. Thank you for STILL being there for me and for watching the "new me" unfold. You are all so important to me. And last, to my beautiful J and Eme. I love you both more than words can utter. You two are what push me through my days and remind me that life moves ever so fast. I embrace you both for who you are, accept you, love you and cherish you. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mama.

XO