The book of Jabes

I have joked with a girlfriend of mine on a few occasions that if only there was a book of J, my life would be so much easier. Today was one of those days where I wished I could have pulled out my "J handbook" and read how to handle him. Problem is, I really do wish there was one of these books. I have read so many books on ways to handle my boy. "The Strong-willed Child", Dr. Sears Discipline books, I'm working on Elizabeth Pantley's book right now, the list continues. I have read and read and read, and continue to read. I take bits and pieces of each book and apply it to our days and then I move on to another book. My little man is a tough cookie to understand,  here is my shortened "Jabes book". 

He is intense. On every level, he is intense. When he is happy, he is beaming. When he is sad, the tears flow like the Nile. When he is mad, he is kicking and screaming and you know he's mad. I remember his second Christmas when he was 15 months. He opened a gift from his Nama and Bumpa. It was a tricycle and his whole body did this convulsion of excitement while he let out a little scream. Looking back, the intensity was there even at a young age I just didn't recognize it then. That excited "shake" was something we often saw with him, it was pretty darn cute! His intensity transfers to his daily schedule. If he is playing with his cars he is completely engrossed in his activity and doesn't want anyone near him while he plays. If he does invite you to play there are rules in which you can drive your car (something we continue to work on). This morning while we were making cornbread Eme was helping. J would pour two scoops of something and then Eme would do one. He literally had to fight every urge in his body not to take the measuring cup out of her hand and pour it himself. I had to remind him a couple of times that it was Eme's turn to pour and he could do it next. I have had people comment on how he is always in everyone's business. He is right there wanting to grab things from others. My dad once put it perfectly for me as I was struggling with him. He said, "J so badly wants to please those around him that he always wants to help in some way. It comes across as being in everyone's business but his intentions behind it are so good and genuine." He's right. Dad if you're reading, thank you for this, I remind myself of it often. He always wants to be helping and doing. 

Strong willed is an understatement! It took me a really long time to realize that yes my J definitely has a spirit about him! I'm sure this goes hand in hand with the intensity. He has in his head what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He has plans that the rest of us are not aware of. The other day we had a battle for over an hour about a band aid. Yes, you read this right, a band aid. He wanted the band aid that was on my finger. I stood a firm no on this and offered him other band aids in the house (this particular band aid we got at someone else's house and I just didn't have the same "favorite" band aid as he said). I cut my finger and there was blood on this band aid as well as an anti bacterial ointment, I didn't want to germ share this one. In the end he finally calmed down and moved on to something else. In the moment though, wow. 

Along with being spirited he is quite persistent. I know that on many occasions I have caved purely because it's just easier. I also know that this is not the best thing to do! Later in life my persistent teenager will persist until I finally give in. I try and pick and choose what are important battles and what are not. 

 

More. Jabes needs more of everything. More sleep, more attention, more boundaries, better food, more positive feedback. He just needs more. His intensity requires us to give him so much more. I'm sure many are reading this thinking this sounds exhausting or stop giving in to him or possibly that we are too lax on things. The thing is, when you don't have a child that tests you daily on things that seem so petty, it really is hard to imagine it. It's easier to say, just don't give in or be more firm. Maybe there are some of reading this that are so grateful to hear another mom that does battles like this. When you feel like you have done everything and you are at a breaking point it's nice to hear you're not alone. I know I'm not the only mama out there that has a child that tests me to the core. I know there are other moms who question if what they're doing is right, other moms that have lost their cool and yelled and then felt horrible guilty. When you don't have a child like this it's so much easier to be on the advice giving side. Bottom line, what I think my boy needs is more hugs, more kisses from us, more positive energy and feedback for him. He thrives when he appeases us and when his attention basket full. If his needs aren't being met then he acts out and looks for attention in different ways, i.e.-hitting his sister (which has happened many times today). 

Someone once told me, parenting is hard and you can't give up. I agree. Parenting is extremely hard, the hardest thing I've ever done. And no, you don't give up. But there are days, lots of days, where I feel completely defeated. Where I feel as though I have no energy left and where I just cry. Days where I think everyone is judging us as parents and where I feel as though everyone around us thinks they have the answers for our Jabes. I'm writing this because I've had a day. A day where I lost my cool and a day where I feel defeated. I drove in the car with tears streaming down my face asking myself what we are doing wrong. Looking up and asking the man upstairs to give me a break. A day where I count the minutes until my hubby gets home. In the end, love conquers all. I look at my intense, spirited, persistent, sensitive J and I am thankful that he is mine. Behind all of those labels I see a boy who smiles and loves so deeply. I see a boy who will be a loyal friend (thanks sis). I see his beautiful, loving, nurturing soul shine when he is outside in his element. I see an amazing big brother who will protect Eme and pick her up when she needs him. He has taught me so much about this world we live in. As I looked up and I asked "why?" I remembered that he was given to Z and me. There is a reason that he is ours and that we are his parents. If I didn't have him I think I would be on the other side, perhaps thinking I had all the parenting answers. Instead, here I sit. He has humbled us in so many ways. He has shown us that what children really need is love. He has been our answer to so many questions in our life. Our J, what a gift he is. 

Days can be hard. We do the best we can and some days that just means getting through the day. Remind yourself though, that there is a reason you have the one(s) you have. You can handle what lies ahead with your little one and you will know what they need. There is no handbook. Your love and dedication to your child is what makes you move forward. A deep inhale and a big exhale, I'm ready now.