I just finished up Chapter two of my beloved book. I didn't have nearly as many yellow marks in this chapter as in Chapter one but it was still good. Chapter two was all about the Soul Fever. Payne talks about how we treat a physical fever in our child a certain way we should also treat a soul fever in that same manner. He discusses how when our children are "out of sorts" and don't seem to be themselves; more tantrums, withdrawing from us, acting out, etc. this is a time when we need to pull them closer to us and cling on to them! He relates being overwhelmed to a soul fever. Here is a quote in the first couple of pages from him, "When they are being rushed along by too much stuff, speed, stress, or when they have what I think of as an emotional or "soul fever". When referencing how we should treat a soul fever this is what he says, "we treat an emotional fever in much the same way we do a physical fever: by drawing the child close and suspending their normal routines".
Here are my key points from this chapter..
- "we learn that comfort is a large part of healing"
-"soul fevers. Something is not right; they're upset, overwhelmed, at odds with the world. And most of all, at odds with their truest selves"
-"How can I tell when my child is overwhelmed? It is a common question usually followed by "And what can I do about it?" As for the first question, my short answer is instinct"
-"soul fevers are as natural and inevitable as the common cold, and can be "treated" in remarkable similar ways". Kind of reassuring once I read this!
-"A child with a soul fever stays "out of sorts", taking more than a step toward their quirky tendencies"
-"Tantrums become deeper, more intractable. Sleep patterns change. You can often see little change in their posture: shoulders raised, fists clenched."
-"Symptoms that are missed or ignored tend to worsen, or disappear and reappear in a stronger form, until the internal conflict is addressed"
-"..children can very quickly get into trouble, manifesting extreme behavior just to say something quite simple: "I need a break"- how true is this? How many times has J's behavior seemed to amplify quickly and I wonder what just happened. He really just needs a break from the situation he's in.
-"..a quiet weekend is not a cure-all. But I still contend that it can be one of the best medicines"
-"..pullback from normal routines"
-"When an adolescent is overwhelmed, in a soul fever, the electrical current around them is so strong that they actually do need "grounding". They need to be brought back to earth, brought back to their more relaxed, resilient selves."- Okay, who remembers their teenage years? Who also remembers being grounded and getting so mad at your parent(s) but deep down feeling a sense of relief. Like, wow now I can breathe a little.
-"One on one time with a parent can be a welcome change"- J needs this and so do I. Eme too but her need doesn't seem to be as strong as what J's is lately.
-"Physically and emotionally, they need to be brought close"
-"Nature is a warm sensory bath that can counterbalance the cold overwhelm of too much activity, information, or "stuff". Time in nature calms and focuses"- J LOVES the outdoors. The second we go outside he transforms in to this more calm child. Being outside is being in his element. How true is that for your child(ren)?
-"Especially in adolescence, unprocessed feelings can surface in all manner of seemingly unrelated ways: an extreme haircut, severed friendships, behavior issues at school"- something to put on the radar for years to come!
-"when your child seems to deserve affection least, that's when they need it most"- one of my favorites from this chapter
-"Take at least a few minutes a day to picture your child's absolute golden self, their "good side""
-"Nobody gets to skip the soul fevers and growing pains of life"
-"If we respond to our children's soul fevers by simplifying, chances are we won't get lost in the hyperparenting jungle"
-"The more adamantly a parent tries to convince me that a break would be impossible, the more certain I become that both parents and child need to take a step out of their everyday lives, toward each other"- Reconnecting is so important. Uninterrupted time together can bring your relationship back to where it needs to be.
- a fellow author of his says this.. "If either parent spends more than ten hours a day at work, including travel, then their child will suffer. Fifteen hours a day almost guarantees damage. Emotional problems, addictions, suicidality, depression, poor school performance all are increased by parental absence through the workplace demands made on us."- Hmm.. one of those I need to ponder a bit more. What do you think of this quote?
His closing lines.. "Imagine how secure your child will feel knowing that..."
-when something is really "up", when they don't feel right, you will notice and respond.
-when they are overwhelmed- physically or emotionally-normal routines will be suspended.
-when their well-being is threatened, they will be brought close, be watched, and be cared for.
-when they are not well, they will be afforded the time and ease to recover their equilibrium.
-your love will accommodate, and look beyond, their less than-best selves.
-they are deeply known and instinctively cared for.
This chapter was a good one for me. Often times my Mister Man gets overwhelmed and I brush it off as him acting up or just being J. I need to switch my thinking on this and remember that he is a mere three years old and that life at times can be overwhelming. He could be having a "soul fever" and instead of pushing him away I need to draw him close to my mommy nook and give him the protection he needs. What do you think of this chapter?
Chapter three should be good.. Environment. I'm looking forward to Payne's directions on how to rid ourselves of so much stuff. Especially after Christmas and too many toys, I need to read this chapter! Happy reading to all of you!
XO
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