Pink.. or blue.. or black.. they're just colors

Today while shopping at Target I spotted the clearanced section of shoes. As I browsed J was super excited, the boy loves himself some new shoes! The problem was, there weren't any "boy" shoes. As I said that out loud I looked at my sweet almost 4 year old and he says to me, "it's okay mommy I can wear girl shoes". He spotted a pair of pink flip flops. They were his size and he knew wanted them. My son does not need any more shoes. Both of children have far too many (what can I say, it runs in the family!) but the fact that he humbled me so quickly as I stood there with another mom staring on, I gave in. He proudly wore his shoes all day yesterday without a thought in his mind that they are "girl" shoes. I know the time will come when someone asks, "why are you wearing pink shoes" and I pray that over time it doesn't make him think he is doing something wrong. After all, pink is just a color. It doesn't belong solely to girls.

The difficulty in raising a boy is that they are supposed to be manly, like sports, not cry and stand strong. Jabes likes sports, loves cars and trucks but is very sensitive. He cries more than Emelyn does and his feelings get hurt easier. I do not believe this makes him less of a boy and that he needs to buck up. Babe and I have decided to raise our children with the freedom they deserve. The freedom to make choices, be independent, stand up for what they believe in. Clothing is just that, clothing. I do not believe it defines a person and that they should be judged because an almost 4 year old decides to wear a pair of pink pants (that also has happened). He can choose what he wants to wear, and for me, I am not going to put a limit on his color choices. For some reason it seems, when a little girl wants to wear a dinosaur shirt or a truck shirt it is more acceptable than when a little boy wants to wear a ballerina shirt or pink flip flops. I'm not sure why that is but I believe our society needs to dig deeper and see what's behind the clothing, who the person actually is rather than what shirt they are wearing.

My smart, funny, sweet little Jameson has humbled us once again allowing us to think outside the box a bit more. I am so proud of him and I hope that as time goes on he continues to not care what others think. I only wish I had some of that in myself. A photo below of him proudly sporting his new pink sandals!

A weekend away..

My family was so in need of some quality, get away from the house and the "to do's" for a weekend and spend some serious time connecting, all of us. We decided to head north and visit Oma and Opa [my mom and her husband] for a weekend. They are in the process of building their "retirement" home and they now have 6 acres of pure privacy. We brought the blow up mattress, a sleeping bag and some blankets and set up shop on the inside of their framed home.

The weekend was spent playing in dirt, going to the local festival, lots of water play and rock throwing,   hiking, laughing, eating good food, lounging and taking in all the outdoors we could. The sun was beaming from sun up to sun down and we had a blast. It was exactly what my family was in need of. Babe has been working long hours and he was in need of a break. I felt a re-connection not only with my kids but my hubby too. It felt great.

{My hubby having a short moment by himself and breathing in the fresh air and the sound of falls that surrounded us}

My mom was smiling and for the first time in a while I saw her genuinely happy about this new endeavor. My mom's husband was able to spend some quality time with Jabes and Eme and little Miss Eme Lu sure loved her Opa.

{Opa and Eme walking to falls together}

My kids were smiling, babe and I were smiling, we were relaxed and happy. The kids had both mom and dad without any work or pagers or cell phones to distract us. We were theirs for the weekend. Babe goes back to work tomorrow and while I am really bumming about it, I am also feeling like we are in a good place to start our week. All of us are a little sleep deprived but I think we are all feeling a bit more refreshed and ready to tackle the week ahead. A few photos below to document the fabulous weekend we had. Happy Sunday to you all!

Megs

{I love how they are both gently holding on to one another}

{Daddy and his girl}

{He could do this all day!}

{My happy Mr. Magoo}

{Eme Lu playing in the sand and taking in the beautiful river}

{His smiles are melt worthy..}

{I love this photo.. she had so many rocks and was trying to get her tiny fingers around each one}

{Rock throwing together!}

{They make such a wonderful sound as they clink together!}

{What's better than waking up, walking outside and starting a nice warm fire..}

Out of Control

I'm feeling out of control as  a parent.  Bug has been awake since 530 and needs to nap.  Desperately.  I need her to nap desperately.  {she woke up and instantly had a tantrum because I wouldn't let her turn on a light. Not a good way to start the morning}  Husband is out of town tonight, which means I'm on bedtime patrol.  I haven't put her to bed in months because she just won't do it for me.  It's a guaranteed 2 hour battle when I do it, versus the 20 minutes of peacefulness when Husband does it.  And now, if I can't even put her down for a nap, how am I going to put her to bed?  I also have to work tonight which means my girlfriend who's watching her is going to have to deal with this ugly, mean, and grumpy kid, right at the worst time of night...her witching hour.

I feel angry and mad and out of control.  I'm pissed that I can't get my kid to sleep.  What's wrong with me?  What am I doing wrong as a parent?  Why does she do this?  She's been awake for 8 hours and is a mess, yet I can't help her calm down her body to help her with what she needs to grow and be a healthy kid.  Plus when she does this it just sends me in to a fit.  My temper is already short because of lack of sleep and my nerves are fried from listening to a whiny kid for the last 8 hours.  I have no help, no where to go.  Family doesn't live close and I've already enlisted the help of friends today, no to mention Bug will be back at their place in a few hours.  So right now she's in her room having "quiet time" which is anything but quiet at this point. 

Thoughts on what I should do?  Have you found yourself in this place?  If so, how do you handle it?  And how do you keep it together when you feel out of control? 

Me Time = Better Mom

Meghan and I are training for a half marathon that's coming up in 2 weeks.  I've been frustrated because I haven't been able to find the time to do any long runs {I'm a slow runner so I need a lot of time and Bug is a trooper but she's not game for sitting in the stroller for an hour and a half}. 

Yesterday I had had it.  I was ready to explode with energy and didn't know what to do with myself.  I needed to run.  Desperately.  I did something I have never done, I called a girlfriend who has 2 kids Bug plays with and asked if she would watch her for me while I burned some energy.  Without hesitating once, she simply told me to bring her over. 

It was exactly what I needed.  I ran 10 miles, my longest yet.  I hit a state trail and being it was the middle of the week and mid-morning, there wasn't a single person around.  Only the birds and some critters.  It cleared my head and I burned off a lot of steam.  I can't tell you how amazing it was, I felt free.  Bug did awesome playing with her friends, not a single problem.  I am so lucky to have such good friends that I can just drop my daughter off at a moments notice.  I was a better mom after that run, and it boosted my confidence in being able to complete 13.1 miles. 
~Jess

a perfect running trail

with beautiful views

Renting vs. Owning, farm life vs. urban city living

It's a constant battle in my head. As I texted my sister today and told her Z and I were talking about moving in to the city more I followed up with "I know, I know I go back and forth between farm and city life." She then proceeded to tell me that I'm farm/city bi polar. She's totally right! In my head I have this dream of living on acreage with my expanding brood and having a self sustaining farm to feed our family. My kids would have some amazing life experiences with great work ethics. And then my bi polar kicks in and I think to myself that most of my friends live in the city, there are more schooling options for the kids, the co-op is there, the farmers market, bike trails, parks, bus lines (we could go down to one car and Z could bus it to work). The city is busier but the resources are greater.

Let me step back a little.  We currently live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home in the suburbs outside of the city about 20 minutes. We have a great yard, we live on a culdesac, and Z is a part of the volunteer FD here. I know, reading this many would think we are crazy to even consider a move. Sometimes I think so too, and Z definitely leans more towards staying where we are for now. Then there is this part of me, almost every time I meet a friend within the city, that feels as though that's where we belong. When you live in a suburb you create a life within that town. Schools, friends, neighbors, etc; and the longer you stay put the harder it is to move. Your kids get bigger and they make friends and it becomes hard to walk away from it. J is almost 4 and he is making neighborhood buddies. As time moves on this house will become his home and it will be really hard for us to take him away from this. Right now, because he is so young, his friends are friends we've made in ECFE or Waldorf, or our playgroup we are a part of and I can set those meetings up. Eventually though, he is going to make friends in his t-ball or soccer class and they will all be from around this area. It just becomes more difficult the older children get.

I know I've written in previous posts but it amazes me how much Z and I have evolved together. We have done a complete 180 in our viewpoints and the things that are a priority for us. Both of us have surprised ourselves with how crunchy we are, how eco friendly we try to be, how much we have moved away from the mainstream public schools; mostly how organic we have become as a whole. I think this is a big reason why I feel the need to city live. Within the city you get a whole realm of culture and people from all different walks of the earth.

Then there's the rent or own debate. We have owned a house and we have rented plenty. The feeling of owning is a very proud feeling and a feeling that it is our own. We can change things and remodel and garden and don't feel bad if we spill something on the carpet. But with owning there is more responsibility and there is more maintenance. If anything goes wrong or breaks you are the one to fix it.  On the flip side, if you rent you rent. There are no guarantees that you will be able to stay in this place long term and you take a gamble with the owner. It's usually more expensive and depending on where you rent you run the risk of having neighbors move in and out. There is also a feeling of freedom when you rent. You aren't tied down and if a job were to take you out of state you would be able to move. If you ended up with crummy neighbors then you have to choice to look elsewhere for a place to live.

In my bi-polar housing world, today I am okay renting. I like the flexibility it presents us with. There is a part of me that feels as though you have to explore your city and the suburbs that surround us in order to find where you want to be. I'm not completely certain that where we live is where our family is meant to stay put. I'm not certain I want to drive the kids twenty-thirty minutes to school a few times a week because that's where we found the best schooling option for them. There is a trade off to both.

For those of you who rent, do you like the flexibility it gives you? For those of you who own do you like the consistency and security you get from owning your home? I'm sure this is a discussion that I will come back to again soon!

Life decisions

I'm certain that I was told over and over again that decisions and life only get harder. I am also certain that I balked at this phrase and thought to myself that my decision right now at this moment was the hardest decision ever. And at that moment, I'm sure it was. Today, however, I realize that what those people were telling me was that at some point in life I/we would have to make decisions that we were completely unsure if it was the right or wrong one. We would take leaps of faith and pray that we made the right choice, uncertain of how the future would unfold. I now realize what people meant, and life really does get harder and the decisions seem to get bigger. There are days when I wish I could just freeze time.

Today I photographed a friend of mines family who just welcomed their new baby boy into this world. This little man was welcomed by his two older brothers and by two pretty amazing parents. 

After we snapped some photos outside my girlfriend and I were able to sit down and chat for a while, just her and I and her sweet baby boy. As I looked at her and we talked I remembered the feelings that she was feeling. The feelings of overwhelmed, the feelings of bliss, tiredness, love, guilt, fear.. all of which stemming off of those post baby hormones we battle. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me how much guilt she had for being induced. My heart sank right there looking at my friend. I know that feeling, the motherly guilt that plagues us every day for one reason or another. She is a great mother and her love for her boys radiates when I spend time with her. But she, like most mothers, has the undying need to to protect her boys. To shield them from any pain and keep them safe at all moments. We carry with us their hurt, their happy and their sad. As mothers, we feel for not only ourselves but our kids too. We constantly wonder if we have made the best decision for our children, doubt ourselves at times and regret certain decisions.

Life decisions are hard. They are especially hard when you are making them for your children. The one thing that I have learned to accept is that we all make mistakes. We all make choices at times that were not our best choices, none of us are perfect. But I believe that you make the best decision with what's presented to you at the time. We are our own worst critics at times and we beat ourselves up for decisions we've made.  Being able to look towards the tomorrow, as hard as it can be at times, is what will eventually help us to heal. 

There are many decisions that lie ahead of us. I know that Z and I have some big ones that need to be made soon enough and I pray that somehow we will be guided in to making the best decision, trust our guts and take that leap of faith. Tomorrow is a new day and we will take it one step at a time. To my sweet friend. Look at these photos of your beautiful, healthy, happy boys. You are doing something right. You are a wonderful mother and they are so lucky to have you to help guide them each day. 

Big hugs on this Sunday evening! 

Megs

A Perfect Summers Day!

Yesterday record temps descended down on us and being 2 weeks into this heat wave, we caved and took the mentality of, if you can't beat the heat, join it.

Being from Minnesota, the land if 10,000 lakes, I'm used to being able to go to just about any lake and jump in. That is not the case here in Wisconsin. The lakes in the city are often closed due to high bacteria levels and in the past several years there has been an explosion of blue green algae {it's toxic to humans and animals}. I've been itching to bring Bug to a beach and let her play in the sand. This was a favorite pastime for me as a child having not only grown up in MN but having a cabin up north that we would spend weeks at in the summer.

Armed with a huge jug of ice water, a picnic basket and sunblock, we went in search of sand and water. We found the perfect spot only 20 minutes from home on the Wisconsin River. Beautiful beaches claimed only by the wildlife we found the place we would spend the next several hours. We slathered ourselves in sunblock and marched to the waters edge where we spent the next several hours as a family, relaxing in the sun and water.

It was the perfect way to spend to hottest day on record. How have you been coping with the heat?

A good man..

My husband is a wonderful man. He works so hard so that I am able to stay home with the kiddos and he never ever suggests me going back to work, even when things are really tight. As of late his work schedule has been crazy. He leaves for work some days at 5:30am and doesn't return until at least 5:30pm some nights. He does everything he can to be home early enough to spend time with his kids, because it literally rips his heart when the kids cry as he leaves for work. Not to mention that fact that he misses them terribly if he leaves before they wake up and if he gets back after they are asleep. He is a good man; a good husband and an excellent father.

My handsome husband. The way he looks in this picture is exactly how you'd imagine his personality to be. He is so laid back, easy going and calm. I am lucky.

On top of him working his tush off he also volunteers for our local Fire Department. He is currently an EMS and is on call once every five days. Those days are hard. At least once a month it falls on a weekend day. He literally can not leave our house (not even to take the kids on a bike ride) because if a call comes in he has to drop everything and leave at that moment. All of us wake up on those days feeling a bit more anxious than the glorious days when he is home. Today was an on call day. The kids and I hustled out of the house to pick my mother in law up for a Sunday morning trip to the Farmers Market (if I haven't mentioned in the past how grateful I am for family, I'm saying it now. Both sets of parents make him being on call bearable for both of us). Since it hasn't left the 90's here and the humidity is enough to send us all through the roof we then went to my in laws for a dip in the pool. Our total time away from home was 4.5 hours. True to form, Z didn't get a single call during that time. As we drove home and I told the kids we were going home to see daddy I prayed that the VW was still parked in the driveway and that he didn't get a call. We pulled in relieved to see him there! Jabes needs to have that time with his dad. They do their boy things outside and I am able to have a few mom moments by myself. We got a half hour or so with him before his pager went off and he scurried out the door. A typical call lasts between an hour and a half to two hours. With a 5:30am wake up call from Eme this morning and a short 45 minute nap before the market her and I were wiped. The kids and I kept our spirits strong and we played while daddy was on a call. There are many moments when I get resentful and angry that he is gone. I am wiped out from a day with two little munchkins and I don't get much of a break. But then as I utter the words to my kids who are crying because daddy is gone I remind myself that we are so lucky. I always tell them in a positive tone, "daddy is helping someone. We are so lucky to have a daddy that is able to help people like he does". The truth is, we are so lucky. My husband has such a big heart and you can literally see him melt when his kids look at him and say "daddy please". I have encouraged him and supported through this long process of joining the fire departement. He has chosen not to move forward with the Fire piece of things for now purely because he can't imagine any more time away from them. I do support him. Even in my frustrated moments as he walks out the door, I do support him. It is tough right now as the kids are little but I know there will be a day that comes when they appreciate what their dad does and they will look up to him. After all, it's not every little kid's dad who is a "fire fighter". 


Z, if you are reading this please know how much I appreciate all that you do for us. You are a patient and loving with such a kind spirit. I know at times I get impatient with your job and the FD but I truly do appreciate who you are and what you do. Jabes is lucky to have a role model like you to follow closely behind and Eme will now know what a good man is. I am beyond lucky for the husband you are. Thank you for being an equal partner in raising our children and for always standing next to me on the tough decisions we sometimes have to make. Thank you for your constant dedication to us, to me, and for supporting us in more ways than one.